Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
