Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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