I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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