K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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