you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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