In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
