At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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