WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was confusing and full of hummus
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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