The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
