i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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