dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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