I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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