okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
