went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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