i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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