How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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