There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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