I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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