Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize