ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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