God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
