I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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