you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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