By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
