Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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