Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
