Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
