Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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