trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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