I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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