Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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