ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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