the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
