i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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