I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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