life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
