his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
