Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
