we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
