You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
