Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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