you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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