i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
