Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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