I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
