sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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