Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
