I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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