I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
