i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize