Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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