I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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