His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
