I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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