Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
