i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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