1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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