Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
