she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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