if i can run in heels then i can drive
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
