He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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