just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
