hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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