i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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