i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
no you cant smoke seaweed
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I will be naked everywhere
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
