there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
