I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
