I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
