yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
