we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
