So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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